I have been on the road for over 2 years now and I am exhausted. I am graving for a place to stay. A place where I can put all of my belongings (about 2 suitcases) and just give myself some time to rest and contemplate. I have been moving back and forth. Somehow I always seem to be coming back to Germany. It is convenient. My client-base is amazing, my social network stable, my family lives here and it is the easiest city to make money. But is my heart really here? I was thinking about becoming a bit more stable and settled. I was thinking it would be good to do it here in Saarbrücken. Open a little shop, where I could sell jewellery and all the goods from Nepal, Peru, Mexico and all the beautiful places I have been to. Welcome my friends and clients in a beautifully decorated place and work in a more stable atmosphere.
Now I am here and I am not sure anymore. My heart feels like it is missing a beat. Germany is beautiful for sure. It is in the heart of Europe. It is a wealthy country with good healthcare and systems that give you an idea of security. But something is missing. A feeling I have always had in my life. I always felt like something is missing. I always felt like there is a third sibling that I have never met and my life will only be complete once I meet this sibling. I feel restless a lot of times. Rushed. But what am I rushing towards or running away from? My life is beautiful and I am grateful for all the amazing people around me and even though to most people it looks like I am on a constant holiday. I feel exhausted sometimes. Because it is never enough. I want to be there for everyone all the time. I want people to know that I care deeply. And when I see a friend suffering I just want to help. It feel everyone’s feelings so much that it is hard for me to set up boundaries.
But sometimes when you are constantly giving. You are not open to receive. These are my own words that I told to the Peruvian cleaning lady whose hand I was reading. Her ring-finger was way longer than her index-finger, which means that she was giving a lot more than she was receiving. And when she asked me if she would ever have children, I wasn’t sure because she was defiantly not ready to receive, which is the main part of having children and I am not a fortuneteller anyway. But I feel like that is happening to me at the moment as well. I need to start being open to receive again and then I will be able to receive the signs that will guide me to my next station in life. Just trust and surrender and it will come natural.
I am not complaining about anything. I am just sharing my feelings with you and writing them down for myself so I can see what I have to “work on”. When it is actually not work but “just” being present. That is what all the spiritual guides tell us. Just be in the now. Be present. And I am. Even when my mind takes me to past expierences and future thoughts, I am patiently and gently redirecting it to the present moment, because that is all we have.
This weekend it is a New Moon in Leo. A Lionsgate. It is time to set intentions. Time to built again. To get clarity. I am starting another 40 days meditation round called Sadhana and just surrender to whatever is coming up. Let me know if you are interested in getting started as well and I will hook you up. The trick is to keep breathing.